From time to time desperate men ask me for relationship advice. Happy to give it. Here’s a tip I learned long ago that never fails to make a woman fall in love with you all over again.

First, find the keys to the vacuum cleaner and pull that baby out into the living room. Start vacuuming. It doesn’t matter how you do it, because you won’t be able to do it right anyway. The point is to make noise, which will draw out your girl from wherever she happens to be in the house.

Men, I guarantee you, her heart will melt. You are gold at that point, but there are a few tricky nuances you need to know:

1. When she appears, do not immediately acknowledge her presence. Just carry on. Have a look of concentration on your face to show you take the task seriously.
2. When you do acknowledge her, for God’s sake do not say anything about the carpet needing vacuuming. This is death, for she’ll immediately take it as an insult. Say instead, “Oh, hey, honey. You work so hard, I just wanna help out a bit more.” She’ll melt.
3. She will immediately want to commandeer the vacuum. Resist just a little before relinquishing the tool. Not too much, though. You don’t want the duty to fall permanently in your hands, and besides, the next step is crucial.
4. She will want you to teach you the correct way. Let her. When it comes time for you to try again, follow her instructions but just a bit off. This may be repeated until she becomes lovingly frustrated at your pathetic attempts. She will take over. The point is, you tried. That’s what she’ll remember.
5. If she is not in the house, this still works. But it takes timing. Have the vacuum ready to go, and when you hear her drive up in the driveway, fire up the machine and go for it. This has to be a witnessed event. Don’t make the mistake of finishing the job before she gets home. She’ll notice, but will immediately become suspicious. I’ve seen men get divorced over the fact they cleaned the house while the wife or girlfriend was away.

Anyway, men, I hope this helps. In my marriages I have accumulated much wisdom. Always happy to share.